Passion Fruit

I look around me and notice the amount of people who have such passion for something – anything in their lives.  Writing.  Art.  Crafts.  Gardening.  Spiritual pursuits.  Fashion.  Comics.  I see them being all passionate and inspiring and think to myself “I want to be like that.  Passionate.  I’m not.  What’s wrong with me?”

I’m not.  Perhaps I once was but it seems so long ago I’ve forgotten what it feels like.  Some are probably reading this and thinking but she’s an artist – she’s passionate about that right?

Truth is it’s gone.  All of it.  My creativity.  My skill.  My drive.  The thing is, did I ever really have it to begin with or am I just really good at faking it?

I’m a great startist.  I’ll start some kind of hobby with gusto, doing my research, buying the right materials and for a little while I’ll enjoy it.  Then I’ll put it down and NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN.  My house is full of started projects – knitting, scrapbooking, painting, markers, picture frames, beading etc…

Even this blog I start and stop in spurts.  I can’t seem to decide which way it’s supposed to go.  Is it a mommy blog?  Isn’t it?  Do people care?

I’ve jumped spiritual ships so many times my bookshelf looks like a mish-mash of every pagan religion ever.

This isn’t something that happened when I became a mom.  This has been going on for years and years and years.  Some days I wonder if I’m even alive inside anymore.  There just seems to be…nothing there.

I envy people their spark.  Their life.  Their passion.

I’m a good mom.  I can say that.  But I feel empty the rest of the time.  Empty and stupid and uninteresting.

I don’t feel I’m the person I’m supposed to be.

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7 thoughts on “Passion Fruit

  1. Whoa mama, lighten up my girl. Listening to you is like listening to myself… And frankly? I’m way too hard on myself and so are you!!! WE ALL stop and start, all of us. This is natural. It’s a cliche but life? Really does get in the way. Passions? They are fickle. Put it this way, maybe not next Tuesday but some time later on in your life you’ll pick up the paint brush, the beads and the knitting needle again. I have an Aunt that once told me she was old old old before she finally got serious about her lifelong passion, pottery, and she said she was all the better for it because it came at the right time finally and she was ready to receive it and embrace it in a way she never had the strength to before. Listen, you are passionate. About your baby bean and about your hubby… And that beautiful dog Princess was it? So they’re not technical hobbies… But I think those are some of the best things to be passionate about… Don’t sell them short. Don’t sell yourself short either. You know what? You know who you are and you are a motivated, artistic and passionate woman. You’re just hitting your stride. Like me… We are late bloomers maybe but my god! Look at our blossoms. I’m learning what real passion is, and im telling you, it’s right there in my son’s eyes. Lots of love coming your way …

    • Thank you and you’re right. Sometimes I get really down on myself and don’t see what I am doing because I’m blinded by what I think I should be doing. Times like those I should avoid posting. Go us late bloomin mamas! 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to reply though, it was nice to have the support. I appreciated it. 🙂

  2. I remember feeling this way while pregnant/during the first year after Theo was born. I don’t know if it helps to hear that (because I know you said that you’ve been feeling this way for a while). For the record, I think you’re an amazing and talented artist. I’ve seen some of your stuff, and Erin has shared some of your pictures with me, and I think you’ve got an incredible gift.

    I do think that it’s normal to be burned out on passion, especially when you’ve devoted so much of your life to it. My passions definitely wane at times; sometimes it’s hard to convince myself to practice yoga, and I went years without writing anything. And it’s hard, because you make yourself feel guilty over what you can’t do.

    I don’t really have anything to say other than that I think you’re great and talented and wonderful, and if you’re gentle with yourself you will come back to your passions. Right now, though, it’s hard to be anything but a mom, which you are doing an amazing job at.

    I’m always here if you need to talk.

    xoxoxo

    • Actually it does help and now that I’m feeling a bit betterI can step back and self analyze. I get like that when things are stressful and I’m feeling lonely. It is hard to be anything but a mom and I think I just need to get more comfortable with that.

      • Also keep in mind that things change really quickly in baby-town, and you’ll probably feel like you have more free time soon. And once your brain is a little less fogged by hormones, you’ll probably feel more like doing the things you used to love.

        I find that I also get really overwhelmed and freaked out whenever there are big changes in my life, and you’ve had a couple of huge ones – baby’s arrival AND husband going back to school. That’s enough to throw anyone for a loop!

  3. BelleJar is totally right – big change + the relentlessness of taking care of a baby completely drains you of anything remotely energetic. And creativity requires so much of yourself. I know exactly how you feel – it is so, so difficult to be creative in any way when taking care of a baby. I’m writing fiction now, but only since April, and I really, really have to push myself every day to do it. A lot of the time I fail because I’m too tired, or I didn’t get the time I wanted, and I feel like I’ve done nothing but work and take care of the kid and like I’m nothing. I do find that it’s gotten better the closer to one year old that Logan has gotten – his sleep has regulated, his digestive system has calmed down and no more acid reflux, not nursing anymore takes some strain off, and yes, the meds I’m on have helped tremendously. I still feel like there is so much I wish I could do, or have time for, but really I limit it to writing for maybe an hour a day and yoga once a week. That’s all I have time for right now, and I try to be okay with it. =)

    • Sweet on the writing fiction! You and Belle are so right. Nursing is awesome and I love spending time with Arthur but it’s just SO MUCH TIME. Not much left for me at the end of the day. Especially with Fred in school – means that I am sole caregiver of the Bean when he’s at school and when he’s home (so he can do homework). I’m hoping to find a yoga place in Burlington so I can start that. I think it may help. It helps for me to look at the little guy and realize it’s only been 4 months – and so much has changed. It’s a huge adjustment and I have to remember that! Thanks. 🙂

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