Anne over at The Belle Jar did a post about writing. She starts it off with “Writing here is sometimes like standing in the middle of a crowded auditorium, peeling off layer after layer of clothing, asking, Do you like me yet? How about now? Or now?”.
I often have trouble writing in this blog. Or any blog. I’ve had many in the past. Though I start them with the aim to be a good blogger. To write infinitely interesting things full of wit and insight. Instead they usually just devolve into me complaining about my life. Or in this blog’s case forcing Arthur’s adorableness on everyone.
I have opinions, very strong ones in fact. I routinely have arguments with myself working out this way or that way to see my opinion Sometimes I even write blog posts in my head. Today whilst driving I was writing a post in my head about how I hate religion and what it has done to the world. Or there’s the post about my fear of Christians stored away. Or abortion. Or feminism. I am afraid to write about these topics. Everything I write is safe. Everything I’ve ever drawn or painted or come up with has been safe. I don’t stir the pot. In fact I avoid the pot and spoon all together.
I haven’t been able to pinpoint my problem. Why I can’t seem to “let it all out” either here or in my life. I suppose it’s a mixture of things. My fear of confrontation. My need to be diplomatic and “nice” all the damn time. Being terrified people won’t like me. Even my husband gets an edited version of what I really want to say.
I’m tired of hiding. The woman in me is screaming to be let out. She’s full of raw emotion, anger, willpower. She wants to do good, to change the world for the better if only by her words and her art. She wants to raise her son and future children to be confident and defend their rights and freedoms. She wants to be an example to them.
However, I need to start small. To educate myself on the various topics I would like to discuss. So that if I do encounter any type of discussion I can defend my position with both knowledge and emotion. This will take time.
In the meantime I will continue to wow you all with Bean and his amusing antics and practice writing by sharing stories of my life (old and new) with all of you.
Thanks to all of you for sticking with me thus far and I apologize for the post the other day. It was a cry for help (which was answered, thanks 26 and Belle) but also a stellar example of what happens to my brain without taking my meds. It goes to dark places.