Please Don’t Touch The Mama

*Trigger warning for talk of mental illness, sexual assault and rape*

Right now, I don’t want to be touched.

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The simple act of my husband holding his hand out to help me up from the couch causes a subconscious revulsion.  My body reacts before my logical mind kicks in.  I shrink back and get up from the couch without help.  Hugs?  Forget it.  Kisses?  I’d rather not.  We can safely say that sex is so far out of the question it’s orbiting Pluto.

It’s hurting my relationship with my husband.  He needs closeness and physical intimacy – and I just can’t give it to him.  A simple hug feels like a violation of my space and I retreat as fast as possible.  Whenever I have to touch somebody (mostly my husband because there are not many people who require physicality from me) my brain just starts SCREAMING “stop touching stop touching stop touching”

This isn’t limited to my husband either.  Though not as common, oftentimes I have to force myself to touch my son.  He still wants to breastfeed once in awhile, for comfort and closeness, and I have to clench my teeth and fight back the tears.  The tension in my body is clearly visible when he snuggles up for cuddles.  I have to force myself to touch the one thing in this goddamn universe that makes me remotely happy.  That is so so so fucked up.

I don’t know if this is related to the fact that I am a mentally ill person suffering depression and am currently unmedicated and not seeing anyone.  (Not for lack of trying, believe me)  Or if it’s tied to my horrible past that has been seeping into my dreams unwanted.  Past trauma I had forgotten, or shut out is giving me nightmares.   As I’ve learned more about rape, about rape culture, and what sexual assault actually is, I’m realizing I’m a victim.  My past is littered with unwanted gropes, touches and assaults.  I didn’t know back then.  I thought it was just par for the course, that it was just what guys did, that it was just what happens.

I’m living, currently, in a roulette wheel of feelings.  One day I’m angry – angry at my husband, angry at my house, angry at my job.  I hate it all.  I want to leave it all behind, run away, hide.  Then I feel guilty and slip into depression where all I want to do is sleep, sleep and never wake up.  But sleeping brings no relief as I’m haunted by memories.  I fake my way through work, fake smiles, fake caring.  Sometimes it’s real, mostly it’s not.  And my patience is very, very, very thin.  I am losing my ability to deal with…well…almost everything.

The only thing, the ONLY THING, that brings me joy is Bean.  And even he suffers because his mom is sick.  He suffers my inability to deal normally with day-to-day toddler behavior.  The mom I wanted to be, the soft caring mom, she’s only around part time.  The other times I’m angry mom, sad mom, frustrated mom, too-tired-for-this-shit mom.  I’m the mom who doesn’t want to touch her son.  To feel his soft skin and relish in his silky, beautiful, curly hair.  To snuggle his rolls and kiss his little nose.  The fact that oftentimes I have to force myself to do these things kills me.

I can’t keep living like this.  Feeling like I’m swimming underwater and not quite ever reaching the surface, even though I keep following the sunlight.  Sometimes I sink so low I can’t even see the light anymore.  I hurt so much I’ve gone numb.  I don’t want to die, but I can’t keep going like this.  Something needs to give or I’m going to implode, again.

It’s hard for me to talk about all of this on here.  There are people who read this blog who know me in real life.  Family, friends, even work-related people.  But this is me.  This is the turmoil I am in these days.  Some days are good.  Some days are bad.  Mostly they are just days.

 

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One thought on “Please Don’t Touch The Mama

  1. I went to a party today to do readings and was expecting a lot more of them than showed up, so I still have a little left for you.

    Mars is retrograde in Libra. If you look at Mars (which is in fall in Libra, not it’s happy place for sure) as a transport truck, it just ran over your sunshine, went back and ran over it again, and then it’ll come and run over once more. Not only does it run over your Sun, but your natal Pluto. The part of you that deals with control.

    Now, that’s not only it – because Mars is active in that Grand Cross everyone is talking about, the Great Cardinal Grand Cross – sitting on your Sun making you feel like you’ve been drawn and quartered. AND – transiting Pluto is in your 1st – transforming your identity. Remember that – transforming your identity. It’s been going on for a long while but I can tell you, it won’t last forever, it’s nearly out of your 1st, and I can pretty much guarantee that – even if the tension doesn’t let up when the GC does, it will once Pluto leaves your first – then the transformative effects will be somewhere that isn’t so crucial. These are the last steps in the transformation – the last bloody hill.

    When I say almost, remember Pluto is a really slow mover, so I’m not talking about tomorrow here, I’m talking about the next couple/few years. However what I’m giving you here is an opportunity to figure out what exactly your personal transformation involved, so you can go about finishing it with a little bit more ease – and if not ease – at least with INTENT.

    When Mars moves on – which certainly won’t take that long then much of the tension will go – you’re nearing the end of your Mars cycle and when it crosses your Ascendant then you will have an opportunity to start a new cycle of motivation. This one is getting tired for you – the last 2-2.5 years have been tiring, but they’re almost over. This Mars cycle will be complete and you can set some new goals at that time.

    I’d be foolish to say it has nothing to do with sex, considering Mars is involved and perhaps it does – but I want to severely caution you (and I hope I don’t get shot by other followers for saying this) to dwell on past gropes. In cases where people are raped or sexually abused, therapists spend a great deal of time trying to get them to focus ON THE PRESENT, because you can’t change the past. In a way it is par for the course, we want to try to change that because true doesn’t equal right, (when we know better we do better) but if it didn’t harm you then it sure as hell shouldn’t be harming you now. If there is something you don’t like now (like the negative speech from your customers) decide what kind of action you want to take, but don’t use Retrograde Mars in Libra to do it, because it always will end up with depression – ANGER TURNED INWARD.

    I don’t have the key to your happiness or even your improvement, I am hardly a trained psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist – but I am someone who has lived a lot of shit (including rape and molestation) and resolved many things, I am an astrologer so at least from that angle, I can help you. I can tell you that the things you’re thinking about aren’t the ones you should be (and I understand depression well enough to know that even if you do understand that you have limited powers to change it but…) that is a start and if there are no other options, well, you’re stuck with it. 😉

    I think your intimacy problems right now are a whole lot more about Mars plowing the crap out of your Sun and Pluto than they do about anything in the past. Can you believe that? If you can believe that and you can simply bide your time through it, then it will let up. If you dwell on it, however, you’re going to end up in a bad loop. When Mars crosses your Ascendant (interestingly it crosses EXACTLY on your birthday this year!) then you have a fresh start, not just with Mars, but with your solar return as well. July Mars will clear Libra for good (until next time anyway).

    Hang on – it’ll get better – I don’t want you to stop reflecting on your feelings but don’t decide what their origins are and get mad at events, then mad at yourself – work on your relationship with yourself first, work on being at peace with yourself and don’t worry about the world for now, it can do without you fighting for it for a time. Explore your own sexuality and come to terms with it – whatever it may be. Your relationship with Fred and Arthur will get better once you’re on better terms with yourself.

    I’m around to chat if you want to – text or phone (I have one whose batteries don’t die after 2 minutes now) – so feel free if you think it’ll be helpful to talk.

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