Names.  It’s one of the hardest initial tasks parents undertake for their child.  Choosing a name that is unique so when the child’s name is called in school half the classroom doesn’t answer.  Choosing a name that has a low possibility for being changed on the child to be used in bullying or schoolyard teasing.  Choosing a name that doesn’t have negative connotations for you (the name of an ex-boyfriend or someone who wronged you) or a name that is linked negatively to someone famous (serial killer names for example).  Trying one’s hardest to make sure the child will be happy with the name you chose and won’t want to change it during his/her teenage years.

Or, like some parents, caution can be thrown to the wind and they choose names such as & (Ampersand), Na-a (Nadasha) or @ (not sure how this one is pronounced).  Name your child after cars, restaurants, corporations, fast food or even beloved cartoon characters (Optimus Prime i’m looking at you).  I really don’t understand these parents.

When it came to naming Babybean I had a complicated situation that was solved in an unexpected way.

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Busy, Blustery Day

Oh the wind is lashing lustily
And the trees are thrashing thrustily
And the leaves are rustling gustily
So it’s rather safe to say
That it seems that it may turn out to be
It feels that it will undoubtedly
It looks like a rather blustery day, today
It sounds that it may turn out to be
Feels that it will undoubtedly
Looks like a rather blustery day today

The wind outside is currently hitting over 52 KM/h with gusts at 67 KM/hr.  So the view inside my house looks something like this:

Spitha is terrified of wind.  Even just the normal wind that accompanies rain sends her into a tizzy.  There’s nothing I can do when she gets like this except be kind to her and allow her to stay as close to me as doggedly possible.  That picture was actually under my feet as I took care of this:

That is the snuggle sack I started knitting for babybean.  I picked out a super wash Peruvian wool in purple and started knitting in the round.  It was (luckily) only four rounds into the knitting where I discovered I was purling wrong.  The pattern starts out K1 P1 and I purled wrong.  Argh!  Something so basic and frustrating to mess up on.  So I took it off the needles, tore out the stitches and am going to start again.  This snuggle sack will be perfect GOSHDARNIT!

I’m feeling much better than I did this morning.  I took myself to a craft store and bought some things to craft for babybean’s room.  I also found a second hand children’s store and perused the items on sale and purchased some adorable onesies featuring dogs and/or dinosaurs.  See my glorious purchases:

The last pic is of some scrapbooking sheets that I can do decoupage with and make placemats, picture frames and just get generally crafty.  The canvasses are to make dino pictures to hang in babybean’s room.  There are tons of neat ideas on Etsy but I figured hey, I can paint, I should paint them!  Plus the canvases were a steal at 4.50 each!

Today is also a special day of remembrance.  It explains some of why I’ve been so down all day as well.  Today is the adopta-versary of my precious Princess.

We only knew her for 2 1/2 years but she lives in my heart forever.  She was a special girl and fatherbean and I adored her.  She was loving and silly and full of spirit.  We miss her everyday.  R.I.P Princess, all my love, I’ll see you again someday.

Song From:  Winnie The Pooh and the Blustery Day
Written by: Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman

Anxious & Pregnant – That’s Me

This is not my first pregnancy.  This will not be the first time I go into labor.  But if all goes well this will be my first child brought to term and delivered healthy, happy and alive.  I have two months to go now and I am still hyper vigilant about everything.  Every bump and punch goes noticed and counted.  Every lack of movement is panic-inducing.  If there is a span of more than a couple hours where babybean is quiet I spend the day frantically feeling around and anxiously waiting until he kicks one…two…three…four… times “phew” and he’s moving normally.  I am anxious all the time about everything to do with pregnancy.  Weird pain?  I’ll spend hours researching the internet and finding out if the pain is normal or some horrible sign something has gone wrong.  I check constantly what is coming out of my vagina – is there blood?  Does that look like blood?  OMG what if it is?  What if something has gone wrong and I’m not noticing the signs like I screwed up last time and … *insert panic attack here*  This is not your normal pregnancy anxiety.

I haven’t been able to enjoy the pregnancy.  I like to say that the nursery isn’t done because there is a large dog living there, because we don’t have the money, because, because, because.  The truth of the matter is it isn’t done (and wouldn’t even be painted but for the kind interference of my sister in law) is because I’ve spent most of this pregnancy waiting for something to go wrong.  For the baby not to make it.  I don’t want a fully decorated nursery if there is no baby to go inside it.  I don’t take “belly pictures” and the thought of “belly casting” and 3D ultra sounds send me into an anxious fit.  I don’t read to my belly or talk to it very often – other than begging that he move so mom can stop panicking.  I am paranoid about anything touching my belly and I wake myself up constantly at night so afraid I will roll over onto my front and “squish” babybean or break my water (which is what happened last time).

On the surface I am doing what I should be doing.  I am starting to (reluctantly) buy clothes and baby items.  I might even enjoy it that day.  I blog about the weird and fun things I should be thinking of – like my belly and feet and other pregnancy things.  Usually when I do I’m having a good day and do feel what I write about.  Happy/excited etc.  I have chosen a name for babybean but still don’t use it very often.   On days like this though (which represent abot 90% of my days) I feel anxious and detached from the whole ordeal.  Sure my back hurts and I pee a lot and my feet are twice their size but I either ignore the whole “pregnant” thing completely to survive the day or it’s all I think about and send myself into an anxious tizzy worrying that I failed at being pregnant yet again.

The loss wasn’t that long ago.  Last May in fact.  It was sad and terrible and traumatic as well.  I’ve been told by professionals in the mental health field that I suffer from a form of PTSD due to the nature of the loss.  That I share symptoms with people who witness a terrible accident or suffer some other form of trauma.  I finally got into a program to help me through this, I see my lady today, and wonder if I should start on the pills they suggest.  Anti-depression/anxiety meds I’ve been on before.  I’m at an extremely high risk for PPD.  I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and mild depression a few years ago but it’s been awhile since I needed pills to function.  This whole loss and subsequent pregnancy has sent my mental faculties into chaos.

It would be better for babybean if I wasn’t so stressed and anxious all the time.  I discussed with my Ob/Gyn the need for pills and he feels it would be better for both me and baby.  He is also worried about the “crash” emotionally after baby.  So today I go into see my lady councillor and tell her that yes I think I will need some pills, thank you.  She’s been good to me and I am beginning to trust her as well.  She suggested I “journal” and share the loss someday when I am ready – to relieve the burden I carry.  Even Fatherbean doesn’t know the whole story (to spare him the extra pain of not being there for me – he was at work and tried so hard to get away).  Perhaps sometime in the future I will share.

I want to stop living with anxiety about everything.  I want to remain calm and positive 90% of the time instead of the other way around.  It’s time I worked on getting better so that when he gets here I can give babybean the life he deserves and the best and healthiest mommy I can.

Adventures At the Local Trendy Mall

There are two malls where I live.  The one closest to me has practical stores full of good deals for families and moms.  The other mall is the one I hung out at when I was 16 and trying to be “trendy” and “fashionable”.  It’s only gotten worse as the city matured and is now full of fashionable stores carrying the latest and greatest of clothes and must have electronics.  Plus the food court has great Thai food.   Coconut shrimp.  So GOOD.

Today I got up and fancied myself up.  After all I was going to the trendy mall to eat lunch with an adorable and fashionable friend whom I hadn’t seen for awhile.  She’s a good friend and one of my favorite people in the whole world.  She is also always beautifully and uniquely dressed and inspires me to do the same.  So black skirt, pretty white top with ruffles (in which I look pregnant and not horribly overweight) and my new undulation scarf it was.  Then I actually put on make-up and put some product in my hair and was out the door.  Twenty dollars in my pocket, a bag full of gifts for my friend and hope that I could make it more than an hour before having to collapse into a chair.  That’s me on the bus trying to look like I’m not taking my own picture.  I’m obsessed with my new Hipstamatic App for my iPod – so here is a Hipstamatic picture journal of my day.

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