I look around me and notice the amount of people who have such passion for something – anything in their lives. Writing. Art. Crafts. Gardening. Spiritual pursuits. Fashion. Comics. I see them being all passionate and inspiring and think to myself “I want to be like that. Passionate. I’m not. What’s wrong with me?”
I’m not. Perhaps I once was but it seems so long ago I’ve forgotten what it feels like. Some are probably reading this and thinking but she’s an artist – she’s passionate about that right?
Truth is it’s gone. All of it. My creativity. My skill. My drive. The thing is, did I ever really have it to begin with or am I just really good at faking it?
I’m a great startist. I’ll start some kind of hobby with gusto, doing my research, buying the right materials and for a little while I’ll enjoy it. Then I’ll put it down and NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN. My house is full of started projects – knitting, scrapbooking, painting, markers, picture frames, beading etc…
Even this blog I start and stop in spurts. I can’t seem to decide which way it’s supposed to go. Is it a mommy blog? Isn’t it? Do people care?
I’ve jumped spiritual ships so many times my bookshelf looks like a mish-mash of every pagan religion ever.
This isn’t something that happened when I became a mom. This has been going on for years and years and years. Some days I wonder if I’m even alive inside anymore. There just seems to be…nothing there.
I envy people their spark. Their life. Their passion.
I’m a good mom. I can say that. But I feel empty the rest of the time. Empty and stupid and uninteresting.
I don’t feel I’m the person I’m supposed to be.
This blog is driving me to madness. Being a visual thinker I need things to look just right and visually appealing or I get all funny about it and constantly change things around. Since I started this blog I’ve changed the look three times and will have to do it again as I’m not happy with the current look. I spent days agonizing over the first choice of theme for this blog and perused Google search for hints on how to write an “about” page and how to get started on this blogging thing. I researched different topics and wracked my brain for a good name. Until fatherbean spoke up and said “Doesn’t blogging actually consist of writing posts?” and he was right. I’d spent so much time on making the blog look good I hadn’t written anything, scared it would be the “wrong” thing or that I wasn’t doing it right.
What I’ve gotten from other blogs is that as long as I speak from the heart on subjects that matter to me I’m doing it right. So Mama to Bean was born and though I’m still working on getting the look “just right” I’m doing it around written posts about my life and loves.
I’ve managed to write an about page on my own (thanks for nothing Google search) and even added a family page introducing the whole bean family dogs and all. I’m so excited that there are people who have settled here for a moment and hope that with time I’ll be able to engage in thoughtful, silly and random conversations with other bloggers from around the world. Comments are encouraged, they will help me improve!
Now I carry my camera (which didn’t get much use before) everywhere and snap photos of my life. I write down things I think of on the bus that could be good posts or things I want to post about someday but require more thought. I don’t want to use to many other social media sites as that will confuddle me and cause me to feel pressured and lose interest in this platform.
Blogging is fun and I’m at a point in my life where I can creatively stick with it. I look forward to what this adds to my already random life. Now…to peruse the themes again and figure out how to do a custom header. I forsee complications. Good thing I have a basket of chocolate to see me through. Nom nom nom.